


hollow lullabies

by SiriCerasi



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Constantine didn't show up, Episode Tag, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Petition for everyone to stop leaving her, Post-Episode: s03e09 Beebo God of War, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sara Lance Defense Squad, Sara did not just get over dying, Sara needs a goddamn hug, angry Sara
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-08 02:29:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13448634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriCerasi/pseuds/SiriCerasi
Summary: It's as good an opening as she's going to get, especially from Ava, and god, is she tempted. To see what's under that stiff bureau suit, to take Ava Sharpe apart inch by bare inch, to lose herself in making someone else come undone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> oh no what have i done
> 
> FOR THE RECORD i'm not actually jumping on this ship yet bc I have MAJOR ISSUES with how Ava has treated Sara so far but I rewatched part of 3x09 today and I just can't see Sara sitting depressed all by herself anymore I broke and this happened
> 
> [love and war](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39DfJPAUp2M) (fleurie)

Sara's not entirely sure what possesses her to do this.

No, that's a lie. She's _entirely_ sure why she's doing this, but she knows it's a terrible idea, and she shouldn't be doing it, and she hits the _send_ button on the screen anyway.

The response is immediate (a little _too_ immediate if she thinks about it, which she doesn't). Ava shows up on screen before Sara even has time to compose herself, and something shifts on the other woman's face before she says brusquely, "I'll be right there."

The line cuts before Sara can say a word, and she looks down, tries to swallow the lump in her throat as Ava materializes behind her. "Hey." Sara smiles faintly at the floor, arms folded, still leaning back against the center table. She doesn't quite trust herself to speak yet, or turn around. Hears Ava's precise footsteps, slow and a little hesitant. "I uh. I got your message." Sara snorts softly, shaking her head, as though Ava's near-instant appearance didn't prove that.

She still doesn't trust her voice.

She sees Ava appear in the corner of her eye, fights back the immediate urge to turn, go on guard. The slowly growing urge to kiss her. The _annoying_ urge to _cry_.

This was a terrible idea.

"Sara." Ava moves into her field of view, lines of concern on her forehead. Sara swallows hard, forces herself to meet Ava's gaze.

"Jax left," she states, voice brittle. Ava sighs, looks away for a moment. "I think Leo is going to go home soon and I just..." She pretends her voice doesn't break, sees Ava actually start to reach for her before freezing. Sara shakes her head sharply, pushes off the table and turns away. "This was a stupid idea."

There's a hand on her shoulder, and like before, Sara fights down the need to break that grip, break that _hand_. "Sara," Ava says again quietly. And waits, waits for Sara to turn back around, waits for her to whisper, "I can't lose anyone else."

Ava's hand moves, up and down her arm once, twice. Some part of Sara's brain remembers being comforted like this, a lifetime ago. Or three, literally. Maybe four. She hadn't realized quite how cut off she's been, how much she's missed human contact that lasts longer than a fleeting touch, a hug, a one night stand. Something about this is different, is _soft_ in a way she'd forgotten she could love.

She doesn't deserve this, not anymore. She probably never did.

The urge to kiss Ava is nearly overwhelming, to find some small bit of warmth for even a moment, to steal back some of the life she knows she'd had, once.

Finally, she manages to choke out, "Will you just stay?" Flushes at how horribly needy that sounds, stutters, "I just mean-"

"Okay." Sara can't look at her. Ava runs her hand hesitantly along Sara's arm again, murmurs, "I'll stay, Sara."

Sara nods, eyes burning, bites the inside of her mouth so hard she tastes blood. "Okay," she repeats, not sure what to do now that they're here. She'd never imagined Ava would just... "Okay," she whispers again. Tries to get her mind to focus. "There's um. There's leftover food, from dinner, and probably some beer and-"

"Sara." Her voice is uncharacteristically soft, unfairly gentle. Sara flinches. "What do you need from me?" Ava asks, and Sara wraps her arms across her stomach to hold herself together. Closes her eyes and tries to come up with an answer that isn't pathetically desperate.

She comes up empty.

It's as good an opening as she's going to get, especially from Ava, and god, is she tempted. To see what's under that stiff bureau suit, to take Ava Sharpe apart inch by bare inch, to lose herself in making someone else come undone. Sara could dance circles around her, and the part of her that remembers fighting until they were both sweaty and panting on the floor is desperate to _own_ Ava.

It's certainly what she wants. But Sara is no longer certain it's what she _needs_.

"I don't know," is the answer she finally comes up with, and that simple truth somehow drains the tension from the room, from her shoulders, from the grip Ava still has on her arm. Makes it easier to meet Ava's gaze again, and Sara can't help smirking just a little at how nervous the other woman looks.

It doesn't make it any easier to say, "Just stay. Please."

**_xxx_ **

_nothing's fair in love and war_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Do you know how many times I've died, Agent Sharpe?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should point out I'm incapable of writing romance or fluff just putting that out there. Also Sara can only die so many times without it actually affecting her sorry CW writers

They end up on the couch in the library with a bottle of something expensive Mick had stolen. Sara gulps straight from the bottle until Ava's glances at her don't set her teeth on edge. The remnants of frantic party planning still litter the room; Sara hadn't had the heart to clean after walking Jax off the ship, and unsurprisingly no one else had volunteered.

"You had a party," Ava observes when Sara finally hands her the bottle. She looks at it for a moment, and Sara waits for the _would it kill you to use a glass,_ but it doesn't come. Instead Ava shrugs and takes a pull. Sara looks down, because watching Ava go bottoms up is more distracting than it should be. Stares at the stray bits of garland glittering from the floor. Eventually realizes Ava is looking at her expectantly, and right, conversation.

"Yeah. Sort of a goodbye and holiday party all in one, I guess. Ray's idea." It's not technically a lie. Gideon hadn't approved of Jax's "No goodbyes" plan, apparently. Sara's not sure why everyone forgets the AI can hear everything, and has plenty opinions of her own.

"I uh. I take it Jax left because of..."

"Martin. Yes." Her voice sounds hollow, and she knows she should put more effort into this. She's the one who asked Ava here, and asked her to stay, and Ava seems to actually be trying to have a conversation that isn't just barbed threats and insults thrown back and forth for once and Sara probably owes her something for that.

"Well, at least your team managed to finish the mission without too much damage," Ava says when Sara doesn't elaborate. "Although I'm still not sure what possessed you to try to follow Darhk."

"Captain Lance initially intended to have the team leave on the Waverider, and take Darhk on alone," Gideon fills in helpfully before Sara can say a thing.

" _Gideon_ ," Sara snaps, but Ava is already looking at her incredulously.

"Do you have an actual death wish?"

Sara _laughs_. "Do you know how many times I've died, Agent Sharpe?"

It's not rhetorical. Ava opens and closes her mouth looks away for a moment before stating stiffly, "On the record, once." Sara snorts.

"'On the record'," she mocks, grabbing the bottle back. "You wanna know about _off_ the record? I'm assuming we're not counting the times I've only been presumed dead. Those are on your record." She tries not to spit the words, takes a swallow of whatever they're drinking. Waits until Ava has the bottle to her lips to add, "Did Rip ever tell you he killed me?"

Ava chokes. Sara smiles. "I'll take that as a no," she says drily. "In his defense, Darhk and his buddies had messed around with his head. Not really his fault." She wonders sometimes, though. Seeing this Rip who's spent five years tearing the Legends down, who continues to use them and cast them aside when they've served their purpose. Sometimes she can still feel his hands around her neck, can still see the cold calm in his eyes before... before.

Ava has finally stopped coughing, looking at Sara like she's not quite sure she's real. "How... how did you..."

"Not die?" Sara smiles mirthlessly. "Gideon can work miracles, sometimes." _Sometimes_. Sara would rather she'd been able to save Stein.

"That's not technically true, Captain," Gideon corrects cheerfully. Sara rolls her eyes.

"Alright, Gideon just fixed my broken neck and made sure the bullet in my stomach didn't kill me after all that hard work she and Stein-" She chokes off, takes a slow breath and stares at her hands. Not bloody, but she feels like they should be.

This was a terrible idea.

Ava is still staring at her, although Sara sees her face soften from the corner of her eye and hates the other woman, just a little.

"How do you fix a broken neck?" she asks, and Sara hates her a little more.

"While the first and second vertebrae in her neck had been completely separated, the spinal cord wasn't fully severed, so-"

" _Gideon_ ," Sara chokes, instinctively raising a hand to wrap around her neck, eyes tightly shut against the pain and the dark and the _terror_. The helplessness she'd sworn so many times she'd never feel again. "I'm sorry," she thinks she hears Ava say as she desperately tries to ground herself. "Shit, Sara, I'm sorry."

Sara has the absurd urge to laugh at little miss Time Bureau swearing. "'s fine," she manages. "Wasn't the first time I died, or the last."

"That's not _fine_ , jesus."

Ava is staring at her again when Sara finally forces her eyes open, something far too close to pity on her face. "This was a bad idea," Sara states, pushing herself shakily to her feet. Ava grabs her arm, _again,_ and Sara means to shrug it off, she really does, but...

But Ava is _warm_ , and Sara is tired of feeling so cold.

"You asked me to stay," Ava tells her, as though she doesn't fucking remember. "I don't think you want to be alone right now."

"You have no _fucking idea_ what I want," Sara snarls, sees Ava recoil just a little. Sees the flash of fear in her eyes, for just a moment.

Hates that it makes her smile.

She pulls from Ava's grip to cross her arms tightly, mutters, "Sorry. I'm..." Shakes her head and glares at a stray piece of tinsel on the floor. She's not sure what she's even apologizing for. Why she's apologizing at all to someone who doesn't seem to think she's capable of much, let alone captaining a ship and team.

"Why are you here?" she asks bluntly. Ava frowns.

"You asked if I had a minute. I did."

Sara shakes her head impatiently, repeats, "Why are you _here,_ Ava? Why would you have even one minute for the idiot captain who fucking _broke time_?" She didn't mean to say that, or at least not like that, and she should not be having this conversation while she's well on her way to being drunk.

Ava swallows, looking down. "Okay, maybe... maybe I've been a little hard on you."

" _Maybe_?" Sara spits the word, grabs desperately on to the anger pulsing sluggishly under her skin. Somehow even that has been hard to bring up these days, and she'll take anything over this cold and dark. "Do you want to know about the last time I died?" Ava's head comes up, frown back on her face. "Do you want to know how I really broke time? I made a choice. I made a choice to undo _all_ of us living in Damien Darhk's hellworld. Have you ever watched yourself die?" Ava blinks, opens and closes her mouth. "Have you ever talked to a version of yourself that is so convinced that this version of time is better than the one she's lived through that she's willing to die for it? To _break time_ for it?"

"Sara-"

"This 2017? This timeline that you know, that you are so smugly proud of protecting? This timeline only exists _because_ I broke time. _You_ only exist now, like this, because I broke time. I _died_ to save this timeline. The Spear of Destiny, the one that's now just a useless piece of wood? I used it. I had a chance to fix every single thing I've suffered through, to save my sister's life, to save-"

Sara's not sure when she started crying, but now she can't stop. "So yeah, I am the damaged, reckless animal you and Rip both think I am. And that's the _only_ reason we are not living in Darhk's fantasy playground. I'd prefer this broken timeline over that shattered one."

Sara wipes angrily at her cheeks, glaring at Ava now. The other woman looks a little shell-shocked.

"Sara, I didn't... I didn't know. Rip... didn't go into detail."

Sara snorts. "Well there's a shocker." Rip has never done anything not in his own self-interest, to further his own single-minded view of what's right, and she can't believe it still manages to surprise her.

He certainly didn't choose Ava for no reason at all.

"Would it've made a difference?" she asks, and Ava just looks down. Sara shakes her head with a hollow laugh. "You should go."

Ava frowns, opens and closes her mouth, but says quietly, "Okay." She stands and opens a portal, hesitates a moment before adding, "You've got my number."

Mick's bottle smashes against the wall where her head had been.

**_xxx_ **

_in life, in love, this time i can't afford to lose_   
_for one, for all, i'll do what i have to do_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have no idea where this is going but I'm trying to retcon Ava's character for myself so I don't burn the CW down when they finally do hook up

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe more idk I'll probably wake up tomorrow and hate myself for posting this


End file.
